Helping kids understand a serious cancer diagnosis
Of all the difficult times during a cancer journey, one
of the most difficult is finding a way to tell your young children that the
cancer treatment is not working, and the cancer is spreading. Decisions about when to tell the
children, how much to tell them, and what to focus on, are all so
heart-wrenching and hard. But just
as in the other sections of these notes and tips, it is important to be honest
and clear with preschoolers.
First, remember that your young children really won’t
understand that stopping treatment means that hope for extended life is
diminishing. In fact, when you
tell them that you won’t be getting more chemotherapy, they may be glad,
thinking that you won’t be as sick.
They may notice a new level of sadness or fear at home, but if the
cancer experience so far has been one of ups and downs, they may not even tune
into a parent’s angst. And there
is no rush to tell children everything that you know about the meaning of this
current treatment status.
Preschool children have a shortened frame of reference for time, and it
is not useful to talk to them about an impending death until it is really
near. You can tell preschool
children that someone’s cancer is getting worse, that it is making everybody in
the family sad, that the doctor’s do not think they will be able to make the
person better, but until the child asks if the person is going to die, that
topic does not need to be addressed.
If and when the child does ask that question, it is important to
acknowledge that the person in fact may die, and that when people get sicker
and sicker, and nothing can make them well, they sometimes die. Then the next step is to make sure the
child knows that as things change, he will be told about the changes. Also, all young children need to know
how their lives will be impacted, and that they will be taken care of and will
be safe, no matter what happens.
It is still important to keep a balance between
frightening news and some sort of positive expectations. That might seem like a contradiction;
what can be positive when a parent is getting sicker and sicker? Focus on the small things a child can
do, like drawing pictures for the parent, playing a simple game, making
cookies. Also, make little moments
count. Watching a movie together
may be the highlight of the day, but it will give the child some special
memories.
If the child is old enough to understand the words, he
needs to hear that although you are no longer hopeful that the cancer will be
cured, you are now hopeful that there will be no pain, or that something fun
can happen every day, or that the family will have special times together. Even when hope of life is
gone, there are still important things to hope for, and to share with your child.
